Why parents are more lenient toward others’ mistakes but harsher on their own children: A breakdown using Mo Gawdat’s Happiness Equation
Mo Gawdat’s Happiness Equation states:
Happiness = Reality - Expectations
This formula suggests that our happiness (or emotional response) is determined by how reality compares to our expectations. When reality meets or exceeds expectations, we feel satisfied. When reality falls short, we feel disappointed, frustrated, or even angry.
Now, let's apply this framework to why parents are often more lenient toward other people’s mistakes but stricter with their owns.
Expectation Bias: Higher Expectations for One’s Own Children
We have very high expectations for our children because we see them as a reflection of ourselves
We invest time, effort, and emotions in raising them and want to see our success as validation of our parenting.
When our children fail to meet these expectations, the “reality - expectations” gap is larger, leading to disappointment and criticism.
Example:
A father sees another child being lazy and thinks, "Well, kids will be kids."
But when his own child shows laziness, he reacts more harshly: "You're wasting your potential!"
The higher the expectation, the greater the disappointment when it is not met.
Emotional Distance vs. Emotional Investment
With other people’s children, parents have an emotional distance. We observe mistakes more objectively, without feeling personally affected.
However, with our own children, we have a deep emotional investment. Hence our children’s failure feels like a personal failure.
Example:
If a friend’s child fails a test, a parent might think, "It’s okay, they’ll improve in time."
If your own child fails, the reaction might be: "I didn’t raise you to be like this!"
Personal attachment amplifies emotional reactions, making parents more critical.
Control vs. Acceptance
Parents have a sense of control over their children but not over others.
With someone else’s child, we naturally accept that we can’t shape or change them.
With our own child, we feel a responsibility to shape behavior, which leads to more intervention and criticism.
Example:
A mother might shrug off another teenager’s bad manners as "That’s just how they were raised."
But with her own teen, she reacts strongly: "You better not act like that!"
When people feel responsible, they try to exert more control - leading to strict reactions.
Fear of Future Consequences
Parents’ harshness often comes from fear - fear that if we don’t correct our child now, future consequences will be severe.
We don’t have this same fear with other people’s children because those mistakes won’t impact them personally.
Example:
A father sees his son skipping homework and fears: "If I let this slide, he’ll become irresponsible, fail in life, and struggle as an adult."
Fear magnifies the importance of small mistakes, leading to harsh reaction.
Social Reflection & Ego
Many parents see their children as extensions of their own identity. A child’s failure might be perceived as a reflection of bad parenting.
With other people’s kids, there is no ego involved, so we judge more kindly.
Example:
If a child is impolite at a gathering, an onlooker might think, "Bad manners."
But the parent thinks, "What will people think of me as a parent?"
When ego is involved, emotions intensify, making parents more critical.
Summary: The Theory of Parental Criticism vs. External Leniency
Using Mo Gawdat’s Happiness Equation, we can frame a theory:
Higher Expectations = More Disappointment
Parents expect more from their own kids, so they react more negatively when expectations are not met.
Emotional Investment = Amplified Reactions
Parents feel personally responsible for their children’s behavior, making failures feel personal.
Control vs. Acceptance
Parents feel they can control their children but not others, leading to more active correction.
Fear of Future Consequences
Parents see small mistakes as leading to bigger failures, so they overcorrect.
Social Reflection & Ego
Parents worry their child’s behavior reflects on them, adding pressure to "fix" mistakes quickly.
Conclusion
We aren’t harsher on our kids because we don’t love them - it’s the opposite. We care so much that our emotions distort our reactions. If we adjusted our expectations, accepted mistakes as part of growth, and reduced our fear of future failure, we could respond more objectively - just like how we do with other people’s children.
Practical Takeaway
By consciously lowering unrealistic expectations and treating our own children with the same compassion and objectivity as we do with others, parents could create a happier, healthier dynamic - for both ourselves and our children.